Rob Linds & Larz

I am in a very strange mental spot right now. . Life has taken a hold of me and wrapped me in its whirlwind of confusion and frustration for the moment. I am in the middle of moving, shooting on a daily basis, and watching a little boy 3 days a week along with larz. I have always had it good. I have always had days where I say "what should I do today?" Those days are long gone and substituted with an overwhelming schedule. Some days I want to give up and lay in bed all day and tell Larz to give himself a bath and get himself dressed..I want to command my computer to edit all of my photos and respond to my full inbox... But my burning desire to succeed and be a successull single mother is too powerful to let me lay my head down. It is SO hard being a mom. Almost everyday it is hard for me. He is two and all over the place. I can't turn my back for one minute without something happening. Its hard to get everything done that is waiting to be done with him around. But having him around is what makes me happy. He's all I have. He's all I need. And he needs me and he's reliying on me to be his teacher. I ask myself everyday "How in the world am I a mother?.....I shouldn't be aloud to do this" ha. But I'm doing it dang it.

After a long day of moving another load, unpacking, trying to bribe him to eat, sleep, and just plain be a good boy for mommy, it was his bed time. After the fifth time of hearing his door creek open after putting him down I decided to lay with him. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to adjust to having mom here and dad there and this house and then that house. I always forget about how he feels.. I stopped myself from getting mad at him for not going to bed and just layed with him. the night light was on in the corner, lighing up his beautiful blue eyes. There were no sounds from either of us, just the soothing ground fan in the background. He got as close as possible to me and we both layed on our sides facing eachother. He grabbed my hand and held it and looked up at me. He stared at me with such a peaceful expression. When I would smile a little at him he would smile back. When I closed my eyes he reached over and put his little hand on my face to tell me to open them back up so he could stare at me. This silent staring contest went on for about 20 minutes..I carressed his face to help his tired eyes rest. He let go of my hand and grabbed a peice of my hair and put it around his little fingers and leaned in and gave me a kiss. Without letting my hair go, he softly closed his eyes. He looked alot like he did when he was first born at that moment. Simply beautiful and mine. I fell in love with him all over again tonight. Days are beyond hard with my little man cub, but when its all said and done, he's meant for me and I'm meant for him. . Goodnight.