Saturday, July 18, 2009


Larz fractured his wrist the other day. So now we are gimpy together. ha. He gets a cast next week and you better believe its going to be green like his mommys. He is constantly running into walls, falling, etc. He is a pure clutz, like his mom. I dont know if Rob was clutzy when he was little but I'm sure that I was from the stories. He's bound to be a speed demon and a clutz between rob and I. Great. ha. I will post some pictures next week after he gets his cast.

and in the mean time.....i love my roommate. ..this is a regular day with us...and here is how I've been getting around.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

~The better your mind gets as totally immersing itself in what you are doing, the less you will be plagued by distractions, desires, and fragmentation-and the more satisying your daily existence will become.~

Sounds so easy huh? ha.
I had a beautiful experience last night.

Through my own healing process, which hasn't been coming along to well, I realized I needed help. I have good days and bad days but more bad lately.
I have a problem dwelling on the negative things, especially when they are so apparent and suffocating. This pain has been so strong and controlling. When things change out of nowhere and cause your whole life to be turned upside down in an instant, it is hard to adjust to.

Having said that. ...

I asked my friend Lindsay to help. She is amazing. She has a heart so pure and beautiful and kind. She is my friend first and also my yoga instructor. She has also placed a child for adoption so we are very very close. We just get eachother. Anyways. She came over last night.

She brought little candles and a relaxing cd. She had me do some stretching and rubbed my neck while I was doing it. Then I layed down. Closing my eyes and breathing in and out she helped me to calm down and think in the now of what was going on focus on my heart center. We as humans hold alot of emotions in our bodies in certain areas. We literally store them in there without even realizing it. Our pain, trauma, our fear. Most of it is stored under our pelvis and throughout our hips. It may sound crazy to some but I believe in this.

Without getting into this too much, I will say this. She had me do an excersice that is meant to release you of that stored away emotion and pain. boy oh boy. I was cryin like a baby. I still had a wall up though so it was controlled somehow. I hate that stupid mental wall that my mind causes.

After that I relaxed and meditated with her help. She can always get me to amazing places. I was laying in a field of aspen trees with the sunlight bouncing all over my face. The trees were swaying over my head and I was content. She rubs this stuff on you that smells so good and fresh. I then went into this hole in space and came out on the other side of it to nothing but black and stillness. I found my ball of energy floating around me and tucked it inside of my heart. It was big and yellow and swirling with furry and power. That was an amazing feeling being out there with nothing to think about but your reason for being.

She gave me a montra: "forgive me I'm sorry, thank you I love you" Which can be applied to anything or anyone but it hit home with me.

After she pulled me out of my little mediation she had me write in my journal. She then gave me a little vision board that she made herself in thought of me. There are little clippings and sayings and pictures all over it. Things like "strong spirit, .....What time weakens, nature can strengthen,......the time is right to change radically, ......Uncover your true self,.....into the wild, ......My mind became very still and clear, like a mountain lake, and there was a feeling of starting fresh" I love that. I started crying as I was reading all of these things and wrapped my arms around her. Who does that?! She's amazing. Then she made me cava tea and we layed out under the trees and watched the lightening. Amazing.

It is time to change and be happy. I need to accept my life as it is and love love love it. I am so powerful and beautiful inside and my outward self is not projecting that at all. Life happens. Heartache happens. It is what it is.
I need to focus on the now of things and stop getting so distracted.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I am full of raw emotion and an overwhelming desire to run wild through the forest. usual. I Bathed in the moonlights rays last night with the wind all around me in the desert. . . . I let my thoughts run wild, as well as my hair. I felt like flying in my sea of peace that was unraveling before me, spinning in circles..spreading out my arms and making my shadow on the desert floor known..taking over the night sky and never coming down...The air was cool and my heart was open. My soul automatically soaks in things like this so much its insane.. ..Man I really wanted to fly....

My life is my own. Existence is purpose. Progression is natural. Lessons are learned so progression is more possible.

I am so consumed with this life and the expectations of it all. It's enough to drive an old soul like mine straight into the ground. Things should be simple, beautiful, delicate. I am finding that they are none of the above lately.

I am being pulled to my limit and my eyes are opening. I am finding more lindsey juice in this old bag of bones and its strong and ready to fight. But what battle do I want to fight if any? The battle to be successful or the battle to be content, happy, and simple like I have always been. ??? random. random thoughts.

I want to take a break. Live in a simple home somewhere in the woods, preferably next to running water. I want to read as much as I can, write until my hands break.... take pictures with my 45 Polaroid of things that don't have opinions like leaves and their beautiful veins and trees.... make lentil soup... pick at my banjo barefoot in a meadow of some kind....stare at larz while he plays with rocks by the water and sing him to sleep...grow my hair out long and remember how dumb it REALLY is to wear labels of any kind...Let my heartache thats deep inside oooze out into the forest ground to be replaced with peace and contentment....focus on nature with my photography like I've always wanted to do, that is the reason I started doing it in the first place...hang my clothes on line and play hide and seek with my man cub....the list could go on and on. What can I say? I'm a day dreamer.