~The better your mind gets as totally immersing itself in what you are doing, the less you will be plagued by distractions, desires, and fragmentation-and the more satisying your daily existence will become.~
Sounds so easy huh? ha.
I had a beautiful experience last night.
Through my own healing process, which hasn't been coming along to well, I realized I needed help. I have good days and bad days but more bad lately.
I have a problem dwelling on the negative things, especially when they are so apparent and suffocating. This pain has been so strong and controlling. When things change out of nowhere and cause your whole life to be turned upside down in an instant, it is hard to adjust to.
Having said that. ...
I asked my friend Lindsay to help. She is amazing. She has a heart so pure and beautiful and kind. She is my friend first and also my yoga instructor. She has also placed a child for adoption so we are very very close. We just get eachother. Anyways. She came over last night.
She brought little candles and a relaxing cd. She had me do some stretching and rubbed my neck while I was doing it. Then I layed down. Closing my eyes and breathing in and out she helped me to calm down and think in the now of what was going on focus on my heart center. We as humans hold alot of emotions in our bodies in certain areas. We literally store them in there without even realizing it. Our pain, trauma, our fear. Most of it is stored under our pelvis and throughout our hips. It may sound crazy to some but I believe in this.
Without getting into this too much, I will say this. She had me do an excersice that is meant to release you of that stored away emotion and pain. boy oh boy. I was cryin like a baby. I still had a wall up though so it was controlled somehow. I hate that stupid mental wall that my mind causes.
After that I relaxed and meditated with her help. She can always get me to amazing places. I was laying in a field of aspen trees with the sunlight bouncing all over my face. The trees were swaying over my head and I was content. She rubs this stuff on you that smells so good and fresh. I then went into this hole in space and came out on the other side of it to nothing but black and stillness. I found my ball of energy floating around me and tucked it inside of my heart. It was big and yellow and swirling with furry and power. That was an amazing feeling being out there with nothing to think about but your reason for being.
She gave me a montra: "forgive me I'm sorry, thank you I love you" Which can be applied to anything or anyone but it hit home with me.
After she pulled me out of my little mediation she had me write in my journal. She then gave me a little vision board that she made herself in thought of me. There are little clippings and sayings and pictures all over it. Things like "strong spirit, .....What time weakens, nature can strengthen,......the time is right to change radically, ......Uncover your true self,.....into the wild, ......My mind became very still and clear, like a mountain lake, and there was a feeling of starting fresh" I love that. I started crying as I was reading all of these things and wrapped my arms around her. Who does that?! She's amazing. Then she made me cava tea and we layed out under the trees and watched the lightening. Amazing.
It is time to change and be happy. I need to accept my life as it is and love love love it. I am so powerful and beautiful inside and my outward self is not projecting that at all. Life happens. Heartache happens. It is what it is.
I need to focus on the now of things and stop getting so distracted.
I am full of raw emotion and an overwhelming desire to run wild through the forest. ..as usual. I Bathed in the moonlights rays last night with the wind all around me in the desert. . . . I let my thoughts run wild, as well as my hair. I felt like flying in my sea of peace that was unraveling before me, spinning in circles..spreading out my arms and making my shadow on the desert floor known..taking over the night sky and never coming down...The air was cool and my heart was open. My soul automatically soaks in things like this so much its insane.. ..Man I really wanted to fly....
My life is my own. Existence is purpose. Progression is natural. Lessons are learned so progression is more possible.
I am so consumed with this life and the expectations of it all. It's enough to drive an old soul like mine straight into the ground. Things should be simple, beautiful, delicate. I am finding that they are none of the above lately.
I am being pulled to my limit and my eyes are opening. I am finding more lindsey juice in this old bag of bones and its strong and ready to fight. But what battle do I want to fight if any? The battle to be successful or the battle to be content, happy, and simple like I have always been. ??? random. random thoughts.
I want to take a break. Live in a simple home somewhere in the woods, preferably next to running water. I want to read as much as I can, write until my hands break.... take pictures with my 45 Polaroid of things that don't have opinions like leaves and their beautiful veins and trees.... make lentil soup... pick at my banjo barefoot in a meadow of some kind....stare at larz while he plays with rocks by the water and sing him to sleep...grow my hair out long and remember how dumb it REALLY is to wear labels of any kind...Let my heartache thats deep inside oooze out into the forest ground to be replaced with peace and contentment....focus on nature with my photography like I've always wanted to do, that is the reason I started doing it in the first place...hang my clothes on line and play hide and seek with my man cub....the list could go on and on. What can I say? I'm a day dreamer.
My sister and her family have finally moved home! I am sad that I can't go up the Seattle again and have her there but we are all so happy to have them back. Technically, she and the kids are back so far. They flew in tonight and Jake is coming soon with his dad and all of their things. Its been a very very long time since all of us girls have lived in the same state all at once. I think like 10+ years or something crazy like that. Its feels nice to have my girls so close. My family went to the suprise her as she got off of the plane. I was scooting around everywhere on my sorry excuse for transportation. My sister Dara can't handle seeing me on it. She just laughs everytime I roll by. Anways. We love you guys and are SOO happy you are home.
Larz and Kylee are inseparable. He begs for her all day, all night, as soon as he wakes up, etc. Whenever they are together I get a break and so does my sister kind of. Anyways. They are best buddies.
So I'm pretty much the biggest moron in the world. I've been living in a handicapped world for the last 11 days. I went to Jerome for the afternoon to get some freash air and at the end of the day I decided to be an idiot. I was all happy and skipping around the town and I went up some stairs and thought.."hm, I'm going to slide down this rail and its going to be SO fun" ...so I did. I caught way too much speed and went flying off the end like a bat out of hell. I landed on my right heel causing it to break. My heel bone shot up into my ankle bone. I sat down and held my ankle in pain. I didn't cry but I did know something was wrong. I got some help across the street from some stranger. the next day I went to see my brother in law (he's a chiropractor) and he did an xray. I couldn't get the best angle with his machine but he was able to see a little of what was going on. I had a partial dislocation as well so he popped that back into place. It really didn't hurt that bad. I went on the next few days, chasing larz around, doing my shoots, and just being crazy like usual. It still hurt really bad. So I finally went to the Urgent care and got another xray. this time I could get into the position that was needed and it showed that I had a broken heel. the following day I went to an actual foot dr and he wanted to give me a Cat Scan but due to the fact that I'm in between insurance's I couldn't afford that. he said that he would give me a temporary cast for 3 weeks but he really wants to see if I would need to surgically have it fixed since there are fragments of bone floating around in my foot. So here I am, with a two year old, wearing a giant cast, working and relying on my mother more than ever. ha ha. I hope I won't need surgery. I got this push cart thing this morning and its awesome. I can move really really fast. I'm still in a lot of pain but I'm just happy to be able to move around. I feel for those who have had foot/leg problems. Its very hard to do regular things and not be very very tired at the end of the day. I am still doing my shoots/weddings. I have to bring home the bacon for me and my man cub. Sigh. 
We all got together for My parents anniversary over at their place. I love their house. The photos of the garden don't even jusitfy and thats only one of her many gardens. we had so much fun eating burgers and horsing around on the side yard. My parents are so in love...its great. It felt so nice to sit back there and feel the breeze and talk and laugh. I love my family.
My sweet baby boy. Sigh. He is in a sticker phase. Sometimes in the morning we'll go outside and chill together. Yesterday he was sticking his little stickers all over the lawn chair and his belly. He had a milk mustache and his little reptile skin from the rash remains. I just love my little butter ball.
Here are a few shots from my new place. There is still so much I want to do with it. For one, paint everywhere, change out curtains, hang art, etc. But I am just so in love with it. It has so much character and it was meant for me. The kitchen light is awesome and I love when I do the dishes I can see out to my patio/garden. I love sitting on my long vintage couch and watching movies. And I love love love playing records. sigh. The record room will be a seperate room with big curtains hanging and open to distinguish the spaces. I'm going to get a vintage chandelir to hang and it will be awesome. These are the before photos and there is still so much house.
Hey all. I'm sorry I haven't had any cool posts lately. I'm so busy and up to my neck with editing, shoots, a two year old on crack, ha, and now a screwed up foot. I am limping around like a moron and wearing a boot and a cane. I slid down a stair railing and fell on my heel in a very very very bad way, causing one of my bones to slide up into my ankle, particially dislocating my foot. My brother in law is a chiropractor and he took some xrays. He tried to pop it back into place. Man oh man. I shouldn't act like a child like I do and slide down stair cases yelling "weeeee". I need to grow up. ha ha. Larz is doing really well. He and I took a nap together today and it was beautiful. It was our first nap together since he was a baby baby. I changed a poopy diaper today and when I pulled up his pants he said "thanks mamma" and put his arms around me. I had a nice chuckle over that. I'll pay someone to potty train him. I'm terrified of bringing that into my life too. HOpefully he taked to it well. I'm going to start in a couple of weeks. He is still dealing with his rash, poor guy. He is talking so much. I just love his little soul.
I am hoping to be back to normal within the next few weeks. Its like the worst timing for this to happen. I'm a moron. I'll start posting cooler things soon. peace.
Wow. I wish I could wake up to a suprise like this every morning. How did he know that broken eggs all over my furniture and carpet is my favorite thing? Sigh.
I had a long wedding yesterday but it was cool. The bride took my breath away constantly with her long black hair and beautiful blue eyes. She was so ridiculously beautiful. Her brides maids were all straight from the pages of a fairy tail story. I showed up with my pencil skirt barely hiding my bruise covered legs, my flat chest and my armpits already sweating. Hi, I'm professional, nice to meet you.
Seriously. I have the most insane life. Larz is covered in a rash again with no doctor to give him a cure . . He looks like hell and is constantly itching himself all over. I like watching him itch himself. Its funny but sad at the same time. I just got home from going to the doctor and I get here and figure out that I'm locked out. The key isn't the same as all of the others on the bottom of our back doors. So here I am in the heat, with a bright red splotchy little two year old throwing dirt at me and trying to see how wet he can get me with the hose. sigh. I told him to crawl through the doggy door and he did and the little genius opened the door right up. Thats right, he's a genius. He was up pretty much all night crying and itching and making me sleep in his bed. I would try to creep away but then 20 minutes later I would have little hands on my shirt pulling and saying "come on mamma". I hated the sun this morning.
By now all of my clients hate me because their photos are all late. But hey, I'm only one person with one finger to edit with. If only I had a wand..hm. I ask myself everyday why I'm even trying to be responsible when clearly I can't handle the heat. It is what it is and I'm not your typical "business woman". I'm real and I have a really crazy life and I'm doing the best I can.End of story.
I got to see my daughters dad, Sonny this morning. He called me to tell me he was in town and wanted to see me and give me a present for mothers day. Well this is what I got and I freakin love it. Megan, Ryens mom has amazing taste and she just knows me way too well. ha. Its an old vintage dress in mint condition and its silky and fits like a glove. How does she do that? Well, thank you so much my love. You're amazing. And thanks SOnny for coming over to see me. Love you guys way too much. .JPG)
One of my best friends since high school is a genuis. She has been in Holland for the last 7 months finishing up school. She just got back and graduated with a masters degree. I am SOO proud of her. Beyond proud. Well she got home and we all threw a suprise party for her with all of her closest friends and family. She was shocked when she came threw the door. It was pricelss. That turned into a pool party and that was a blast. All of the girls went country dancing because thats just what we like to do. WE had a blast there too. And then we went to the lake on Sunday with her parents and had so much fun together. I was too chicken to get up on a wake board. I am naturally clutzy so I knew the end of that story. I stuck with the tube. And that scared the crap out of me. Then we celebrated some more at Jacquie's bothers house and danced our pretty behinds off. I loved the Weekend of Julia!!
I am in a very strange mental spot right now. . Life has taken a hold of me and wrapped me in its whirlwind of confusion and frustration for the moment. I am in the middle of moving, shooting on a daily basis, and watching a little boy 3 days a week along with larz. I have always had it good. I have always had days where I say "what should I do today?" Those days are long gone and substituted with an overwhelming schedule. Some days I want to give up and lay in bed all day and tell Larz to give himself a bath and get himself dressed..I want to command my computer to edit all of my photos and respond to my full inbox... But my burning desire to succeed and be a successull single mother is too powerful to let me lay my head down. It is SO hard being a mom. Almost everyday it is hard for me. He is two and all over the place. I can't turn my back for one minute without something happening. Its hard to get everything done that is waiting to be done with him around. But having him around is what makes me happy. He's all I have. He's all I need. And he needs me and he's reliying on me to be his teacher. I ask myself everyday "How in the world am I a mother?.....I shouldn't be aloud to do this" ha. But I'm doing it dang it.
After a long day of moving another load, unpacking, trying to bribe him to eat, sleep, and just plain be a good boy for mommy, it was his bed time. After the fifth time of hearing his door creek open after putting him down I decided to lay with him. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to adjust to having mom here and dad there and this house and then that house. I always forget about how he feels.. I stopped myself from getting mad at him for not going to bed and just layed with him. the night light was on in the corner, lighing up his beautiful blue eyes. There were no sounds from either of us, just the soothing ground fan in the background. He got as close as possible to me and we both layed on our sides facing eachother. He grabbed my hand and held it and looked up at me. He stared at me with such a peaceful expression. When I would smile a little at him he would smile back. When I closed my eyes he reached over and put his little hand on my face to tell me to open them back up so he could stare at me. This silent staring contest went on for about 20 minutes..I carressed his face to help his tired eyes rest. He let go of my hand and grabbed a peice of my hair and put it around his little fingers and leaned in and gave me a kiss. Without letting my hair go, he softly closed his eyes. He looked alot like he did when he was first born at that moment. Simply beautiful and mine. I fell in love with him all over again tonight. Days are beyond hard with my little man cub, but when its all said and done, he's meant for me and I'm meant for him. . Goodnight.
